Sunkist Wacky Players Trading Cards – Basketball (1991)

Here’s another post from the last iteration of the Jimmy Jone blog about those old Sunkist Fruit Snacks Trading Cards (originally posted May 14, 2011). I meant to post this on Tuesday, but hey, it’s Tuesday somewhere, right?  Anyway, this is the last of these Sunkist posts.  And check it! By sheer coincidence, there’s a joke in here about September 11! Actually, I can’t pin this on coincidence.  I could wait to post this, or I could choose not to.  Never forget–I am a thoroughly awful person.  See you later, when maybe I’ll actually write something new instead of posting old mess.

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Alright, let’s get this one in before basketball season is over.

Okay, here’s the last set of Wacky Players cards. The Basketball set was included in boxes of Sunkist Fun Fruits Wacky Players in 1991. The basketball set had special fruit snack pieces in the shape of half of a whistle. You had to put them together, and voila, your own whistle! Be the coach! Lead the team to victory! I was so sure that if I lined them up just right, and didn’t smush them, or get too much spit on them, they’d work. But nope.

There were (by all accounts) nine cards total, with characters illustrated by Jack Davis. Let’s look at ’em, shall we?

basketball01

I had this one as a kid. I remember asking kids at school whether they thought this was Michael Jordan or Lanky Frankie. I would cover up the name with my thumb–that way they would guess Michael Jordan. Because–ahaha, you see, I had an ace up my sleeve!–I knew of Lanky Frankie, and they did not! I could make them appear as fools when I removed my thumb!

I was a lame kid.

basketball02

In the end, the other guys on the team regretted that they gave Joey that stupid nickname. It started with Joey making stupid one-liners on the court like “looks like you’re up against a wall!” and “balls to the wall!” The spray-painted brick design was sort of clever, but then Joey started stuffing real vines down his shoes. Half of the Silly Teammates team got poison ivy from him during the playoffs that year.

basketball03

Ralph…are you… are you enjoying the other team ripping off your outfit? Is this a porno? The basketball goal in obvious disrepair says yes. I’m going to leave before the stompin’ and rompin’ starts.

basketball04

I’ll admit: I’ve never watched a basketball game. Do all basketball players hold the ball tight against their crotch whenever they can? Also: yes, ha-ha, look how tiny Bry is, but what about the giant guy dunking him whose hand is almost as big as the hoop? Why doesn’t he get a card? I bet he’s not a pervert like Bry and Ralph.

basketball05

What a dick.

basketball06

I think in the original artwork, he was hanging himself, and they cropped out the rope. (I’m just kidding, kids, basketball-related suicide is never funny.)

basketball07

What the hell kind of trajectory is that? I was with you until the loop. “Nothin’ but” is accurate, excluding even physical limitations of the human body. Or maybe this is only apparent retrograde motion, seen only because of the relative orbits of the earth and Nothin’ But Net Nick.

basketball08

Ah, let’s see, making fun of Dave, um… “I’m Dave! My head is disproportionate to my body! I have a bunch of burst capillaries in my nose because I’m alcoholic!” Also: were wrist bands mandatory in the NBA in the early 90s? Also: screw you, Dave, that’s not dribblin’.

basketball09

September 11 would have gone down a lot differently if these guys had been around. The guy on the left would have caught the plane before it crashed, saving thousands of innocent lives. I wouldn’t have trusted the guy on the right, though. He looks like he’d just stone cold swat a plane out of the sky.

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